


Falling to Pieces

by Starisia



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Flashbacks, Last Kiss, M/M, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-30
Updated: 2013-10-30
Packaged: 2017-12-31 00:15:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1025066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starisia/pseuds/Starisia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No, he didn't regret falling in love with Kanda.</p><p>What he regretted was growing tired of those childish games they would so often play and letting them escalate into battles of mutual verbal abuse that would leave them teetering dangerously on the precariously thin line between anger and passion, between storming from their home and falling into each other's arms.</p><p>What he regretted was watching Kanda walk out that door so many times when he could have stopped him.</p><p>What he regretted was praying that he wouldn't look back, not wanting to see that beautiful face with its sharp features and piercing eyes, and yet wanting nothing more than for him to do just that, feeling an overwhelming mix of relief and disappointment when the door closed without so much as a glance in his direction.</p><p>But, what he regretted most as he lay there atop a bed made so much colder and less welcoming by the lack of another warm body, another solid form to embrace and curl up against, was walking out that door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling to Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I started about... I guess a little over a year ago now. I barely remembered it yesterday afternoon and dug it up on one of my flashdrives and decided to try and finish it up last night around two AM.
> 
> It was inspired by the song Don't Look Back by Celeste Buckingham, which is an absolutely gorgeous song that my best friend KingRabbit sent me. It's a really pretty song, and easily one of my-many-favorites so if you haven't heard it before it's one I'd highly recommend :3

The rain pours around him, pounding down on the umbrella he holds with a rhythm that's barely there, only recognized by the expert ear of a musician, the unique melody one he can't help but appreciate. The drops fall from the heavens in a cascade of fragile liquid crystal, like the tears of those angels lost to this cruel, fleeting world, a constant reminder that everything changes, that one day everything in this world now will someday be no more than a memory until that too fades into nothingness just as each drop eventually will.

The sky above is a mixture of dingy white and deep gray, with countless hues in between. But it makes no difference to him. The sky stopped being blue in his eyes what feels like a lifetime ago, though he knows it hasn't been more than a few months.

He misses the blue, deep down, but at the same time he's grateful that he no longer sees it. Even when the sky is the truest blue possible he only sees a blanket of gray hanging above a world that seems so much dimmer, so much emptier, now than it did just a few months before. It's strange, but sometimes he thinks the world gets dimmer with each passing day and he can't help but wonder how long it'll be before all the light is gone and only darkness remains.

But then, he smiles a melancholy smile and decides that it doesn't matter, and he can't help but remember that  _he'd_  of hit him and called him an idiot if he knew what thoughts were going through his head. And then he'd know everything would be okay, that nothing had changed.

But things had, as much as he wished they hadn't, they had in so many ways, even as others remained the same.

"I'm home," He calls to the empty apartment as he steps inside, a habit still unbroken despite the time that has passed. He shakes a bit of water off the umbrella before closing it completely. Shrugging off his jacket, he shivers slightly at the cold chill that greets him in the dim room, reminding him that he still needs to call down to have maintenance take a look at the heater. He's needed to do that for a while, but it continues to slip his mind.

Kanda'd always liked the apartment to be at least a little chilly for some odd reason, and, even though Allen had fought him on it he really didn't mind. Not when it gave him an excuse to curl closer to the one he loved so they could share each other's warmth. Sometimes it would be so warm with their bodies fitted so perfectly together as though they were two sides of a broken stone, fit together more flawlessly than even the most intricate puzzle, that he didn't even think the thick blanket around them was necessary.

He steps fully inside and closes the door behind him before folding his coat over one arm and placing it on the arm of the couch, unable to help the way his chest constricts when no reply rings out even though he knew there wouldn't be one when he called out to begin with. He kicks off his shoes and places them on the mat beside the door before making his way down the hall and into the bedroom, placing a soft kiss on his fingers and then brushing them across a glass frame and the picture within as he passes, a habit he can't seem to help anymore.

He doesn't bother with his clothes when he reaches the room, allowing himself to collapse back onto the bed to stare at the ceiling, unsure of what else to do with himself now that he's home. He's exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and he has been for weeks, but he doesn't think he wants to sleep. Sleep, and a desire for it, usually requires some form of comfort, but, alone in this house, this room, this bed, he doesn't think such a thing even exists any more, even after this long.

Everything still feels different, empty, wrong without the presence of another here to help take away the cold chill that comes from an empty house. Or did it just come from not having Kanda around anymore? He didn't really know, but either way he couldn't help the sorrow that overwhelmed him at the thoughts.

He knew he should be over that feeling by now, that he should have at least begun to heal, but, even though the scrapes and bruises had healed some time ago, the heartache hadn't even begun to find a way to fade and he honestly didn't think he wanted it to. He knew, however, that what he wanted mattered little to that conniving heart of his.

After all, he hadn't wanted to fall in love either.

Especially not with a bastard like Yuu Kanda.

And yet he had and it was one thing he didn't regret, even now, when his heart was like a shattered sculpture of crystal and glass, already broken and just waiting for something to happen so it could be completely smashed and would no longer feel a thing. Even when he was clinging to anything he could touch whether it be the tie to his lover's hair he'd been wearing that night that still had the faintest trace of blood clinging to one end, his clothes in the closet across from the bed, the scent on his pillow, or even the few pictures strewn about this place they had once shared but had since ceased to be considered home.

No, he doesn't regret falling in love with Kanda.

What he regrets was growing tired of those childish games they would so often play and letting them escalate into battles of mutual verbal abuse that would leave them teetering dangerously on the precariously thin line between anger and passion, between storming from their home and falling into each other's arms.

What he regrets was watching Kanda walk out that door so many times when he could have stopped him.

What he regretted was praying that he wouldn't look back, not wanting to see that beautiful face with its sharp features and piercing eyes, and yet wanting nothing more than for him to do just that, feeling an overwhelming mix of relief and disappointment when the door closed without so much as a glance in his direction.

But, what he regretted most as he lay there atop a bed made so much colder and less welcoming by the lack of another warm body, another solid form to embrace and curl up against, was walking out that door.

It had always been one thing he'd never thought he'd do and the worst of it all was the fact that he couldn't even remember why he'd done it, what had been said to push him so far over the edge as to storm out, and yet he could recall everything else that had happened after with the clarity of a crystal.

He could recall how it had been raining then, just as it was now. How each icy drop felt against his skin. How much he'd wished he'd thought to grab the umbrella when he passed, and how he'd been too damn stubborn to turn around and grab it because it would have meant going back and facing that arrogant son of a bitch again. How lost in thought and anger he'd been, how flustered and outraged, and how much he'd hated Kanda at that moment in time, so lost he hadn't been paying attention to anything.

Not even the crosswalk or the road.

He can feel tears gathering in his eyes as he recalls that night for what must have been the millionth time in the last three months, and he wants so badly to not continue on this train of thought but he can't help it now, can't help the guilt and sorrow and pain that make his chest tighten and his throat all but close, making it hard to breath.

He can so easily recall the screeching of tires as though he were still standing there in shock, silver eyes wide as the headlights came at him too fast to avoid, his mind unable to comprehend anything beyond the sudden shock that made his body freeze in place as the car careened towards him.

The desperate, terrified cry that fell from familiar lips though the tone and panic and dread were anything but, so unlike what he'd ever heard his beloved sound like even in the most desperate of times.

He could still remember the feeling of the solid weight crashing into his side and pushing him away from the headlights and the flash of raven tresses in his peripheral vision, the feel of harsh pave as he was sent rolling across the concrete with the force of the blow, head cracking painfully against the harsh ground.

But, clearest of all, he could recall, somewhere through the dull ache and shock, the sickening sound of the car colliding with a solid form, the sound barely audible over the screeching tires and pounding rain, and yet it crashed down on him with the force of a speeding bullet, piercing and lethal, and oh how he  _wished_  he could  _forget_.

But he couldn't, and he knew he never would, not for the rest of his life, no matter how short or long that proved to be. He'll always remember that, no matter how much he wished he could erase it from his memory just as Kanda had been erased from this world.

He'll always remember what he'd seen when he finally managed to look up with a soft groan of pain and disorientation, the way Kanda had just been lying there in the middle of the street, body bathed with the car's headlights…

He couldn't remember moving after the sight sunk in, but the next thing he knew he was on his knees beside his dark haired partner, staring down at him with wide silver eyes, mouth opening and closing as he attempted to speak, only to be silenced by the pained groan that escaped his beloved's throat.

He could still remember the way Kanda's face had scrunched in pain, his lower lip quickly being caught between teeth as he attempted to hold back anymore sounds, and that's when he'd caught site of the thin line of red sliding down his lover's cheek from the corner of his mouth, quickly being washed away by the rain he could no longer feel beyond the shock...

**S2 S2 S2 S2 S2**

_"K-Kanda," He choked out, feeling his heart clench with fear and dread when glazed, unfocused, cobalt met panicked silvery gray._

_"B… Beansprout?" Kanda asked dazedly as though he hadn't already known, _his voice barely above a whisper,_  and Allen wondered, hoped, prayed, that all it was was disorientation, that he'd simply hit his head and that he'd be fine in a few moments, even as his heart and head screamed that something more was wrong, that the stillness of his lover's body  **wasn't natural**._

_"Ye-yeah," he said quickly, grabbing hold of his lover's hand as it rose a couple inches as if to touch him, before the action proved to be too much and it fell back to the hard ground. He could feel tears gathering in his eyes as he listened to his beloved's labored breathing, each breath either ending or beginning in a pained hitch or small gasp. He could hear an ambulance in the distance and he only prayed it was coming here, could hear the startled voices calling for help and asking what had happened but he didn't pay them any heed, his attention focused solely on his partner._

_"B-Baka Moyashi," The elder choked out through gritted teeth, his voice cracking with pain, griping Allen's hand like a vice and squeezing to the point that Allen thought his fingers might crack, "D-don't you know how to w… watch where you're fucking g-going?"_

_"I-I'm sorry," he breathed shakily, trying to fight back the tears that fell and mixed with the rain as his own grip tightened, his other hand fluttering uselessly across his lover's form in desperation. He didn't know what else to do, what else he could do besides cling to him tighter and tighter as his breathing seemed to grow shallower and shallower, his cobalt eyes slowly losing what little clarity they possessed, "I-I should have looked first, I-"_

_"Tch." The dark haired scoffed, though it held none of its usual venom. His eyes had already begun to drift closed, his hold on Allen's hand weakening. He tentatively moved closer, pulling his lover's head into his lap as he looked around frantically in search of the tell-tale signs of the ambulance, but it still sounded so far away... too far away..._

_"I'm sorry… Baka Moyashi."_

_Allen tensed, his heart and throat clenching into an agonized knot as his gaze snapped back to the elder's face._

_No. No no no no no no no, oh god please **no**._

_"D-don't apologize you idiot!" he said frantically._

_This...this couldn't be happening…_

_Kanda was going to be fine. He had to be. He was **Kanda** for Christ's sake. He couldn't be killed. Even if Allen had stabbed him in the heart, he was almost positive that the god forsaken idiot was just too damn stubborn to die, and yet Kanda…_

_He'd never apologized, at least, not with words._

_He'd apologize with his actions, by running his fingers lightly along the scar, kissing his ear, or his neck, or his arm, making him feel like something beautiful and precious instead of deformed and broken, but… he'd never said the words._

_Not even once in the three long years spent at each other's side._

_"D-don't you dare apologize, just…don't!" He felt something warm run down his cheek, mixing with the icy rain that had long ago soaked him through to the very core. Even as he spoke, even as he clung to his love's hand, to the last fragile thread of hope that was the only thing holding him together and keeping him from falling apart, he could see the light fading in the once bright pools of cold onyx. "Kanda… Yuu… please…"_

_The other scoffed, the sound stained and choked, as another thin line of crimson began to flow from the corner of his mouth, down his cheek, and into the mess of raven hair splayed across the hard ground. "S-so...you always b-badger me to say it and… n-now you don't want to h…hear it? Make up your… damn mind… i-idiot…"_

_He could see how much Kanda hated this, how much he hated each catch and stutter that broke into his voice, showing the strain his body was under._

_showing that he probably didn't have long._

_The sirens grew louder, the ambulance almost there, but there was something wrapped around the scarred man's heart, something that grasped and pulled and tortured, screaming, shouting, and sobbing that there wasn't long left, that the light was already too far gone..._

_"N-no, I don't!" He all but shouted, shaking his head furiously and ignoring the way the soaked strands wiped back and forth, throwing droplets from the tips and sticking messily to his face. A sob wracked his form before he could even try to stop it. He heard Kanda scoff, and the next thing he knew a hand was cupping his cheek, his free hand moving to hold it there of its own accord. He stared blankly at the other's face._

_Dark hair clung to his skin where it had come free of the red roped he'd used to tie it, a harsh contrast to the pail flesh that was usually minutely tanned at the very least. One side of his mouth was quirked up into the smallest of smirks, dark eyes glimmering something that made Allen's heart constrict almost painfully within his chest._

_Warmth._

_A warmth he only ever saw on rare occasions, occasions almost as rare as the times when those words would leave his lips._

_He swallowed thickly, leaning down as Kanda weakly pulled his face closer, the strain of the action clear in how weak the hold was and how his arm almost fell away, and would have if not for Allen holding his hand to his cheek. He bit back another sob as his lips connected with Kanda's. His eyes scrunched closed, trying and failing to keep back the tears as Kanda's lips moved slowly against his, enticing him to take part._

_The kiss was slow, tender, and bitterwsweetsweet in a way so unlike any kiss they'd shared before, almost as though he were trying to pour a lifetime of love into that one kiss._

_Their last kiss._

_When Kanda pulled back Allen's eyes slowly opened, feeling the soft caress of Kanda's thumb against his cheek. He took a shuddering breath as Kanda's smirk widened into the smallest of smiles, his face quickly washed with red and white light as the ambulance finally turned the corner and came to a stop just a couple yards away from them._

_"I love you... Baka Moyashi..."_

_Not once did he let go of Kanda's hand. Not as they put him on the stretcher and wheeled him into the back of the ambulance. Not as they took off down the road at a speed the jostled everyone within. Not when Kanda's eyes closed, and his breathing slowed, the paramedics working frantically to help him. Not when Kanda's hold slackened completely, a cold, limp hand held tight in both of his._

_Not even when the monitor's beating stopped, becoming one long note that told them that Kanda's heart had stopped beating._

**S2 S2 S2 S2 S2**

He took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes, fighting back the stinging sensation that formed even as one crystalline drop escaped from between scared lids, dampening snowy lashes. Slowly he cracked his eyes open, staring up at the ceiling and just letting the tears fall.

He knew it would only hurt more if he didn't let them out. There was no one there to see, no one there to worry if his mask crumbled... No one there to ask him what's wrong and if he was okay... no one there to give him reason enough to lie.

"I love you... Yuu..." He murmured softly, saying the words he hadn't been able to say that night. One hand extended towards the ceiling as though it could reach right through and touch his beloved wherever he was in the heavens above before falling limp, forearm covering his eyes.

He didn't sob. Didn't speak again. Just kept his breathing as steady as possible and gnawed lightly at his lip as he let the tears fall and slide down into his hair, sniffling every once in a while. It felt like hours before the tears finally came to a stop, and when they did he slowly pushed himself up off the bed, going into the bathroom to blow his nose and wash his face, before returning to the bedroom and changing into a pair of boxers he often wore to bed.

It had gotten dark in the time he'd been in the apartment, and he was too tired to care if it was too early for bed. Now that he'd gotten those emotions out, even for just the time being, he just wanted to sleep.

He laid down on his side, head resting on Kanda's pillow as he closed his eyes, breathing in the ghost of Kanda's scent that still lingered on the cloth, only seeming to grow stronger the longer he lay like that. The scent of soap, with an underlying hint of cinnamon and lotus, and he felt the smallest of smiles creep onto his lips.

His last thought before consciousness fades, is to marvel at how, when he lays like this and breathed in his scent, he could almost feel Kanda's arm draped over his waist, and his lips pressed against his forehead. Could almost hear his voice, as smooth, alluring, and clear as ever, whispering a soft ' _I love you, too_ ' against his skin.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, that's it. I'm actually surprisingly happy with how this one turned out, even if rereading what I had kinda tore at my heart a little bit.  
> Thank you very much for reading and I hope you enjoyed!  
> ❤ Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated ❤  
> Tumblr: Starisia.tumblr.com


End file.
